Weather Report

Not exactly the news I wanted to hear this morning...

Crackberry Jam for Missionary Cougars

I made all my connections like clockwork, which is a rare event. Leaving the house in Chetumal, Mexico at 10:30 p.m. headed for the bus station, I caught a cab right away. Arriving at the terminal not even 15 minutes later, I bought a ticket for the executive class, midnight bus to Cancun. No stops in between, it was a straight shot up the highway to Cancun and I arrived at the downtown bus terminal at 5:20 a.m., just in time to get the 5:30 shuttle to the airport, a 45 minute ride.

So I am at the airport in Cancun, too early to check into my Spirit Airlines cheapo flight to Detroit. I am prepared though with my book and turkey bagel sandwich brought from home and Starbucks is right there beconing me. I have my laptop case and a regular size suitcase, and the place is deserted except for me and the Starbucks lady. I wheel my suitcase over to a nearby table and go to the counter to order a coffee to sip while I eat my bagel brought from home. I don't pay airport prices if I can help it. I would rather bring a sandwich from home than order some expensive piece of nothing.

As I turn and walk back to my table, I see her coming towards me totally dolled up at 6:15 a.m. We are the only two in sight. I don't believe in dolling things up just to get on an airplane with people I will never see again. I am not here to impress anyone, I am just getting from Point A to Point B. I am wearing my Mexican Frida dress and just want to be cool and comfortable in the 103 degree heat. Miss Purple Glitter Eyeshadow with her bling bling shirt and high heels and her enormous suitcase wheel up to the Starbucks counter and order a fancy expensive coffee drink. I am not really paying attention because it is all about the turkey bagel sandwich with dijon mustard now and the John Grisham novel for the next hour. But I do turn my head as she bulldozes her way through the tables and chairs to get to the couches with her coffee and enormous suitcase talking on her blackberry. I watch her as she plops down and starts screaming into the blackberry "WHAT THE FOK! SO YOU ARE FOKING NOT GOING TO FOKING PICK ME UP FROM THE FOKING AIRPORT??!!!! WELL FOK YOU! and then she whips her blackberry, which then becomes a crackberry, across the room and it lands at my feet. What am I supposed to do now, kick it back at her and yell "YOU'RE IT!" I should have just minded my own business because while I was enjoying the SCENERY, the tomato from my turkey bagel sandwich was slowly sliding out the bottom and rolling down the front of my white Frida Dress.

I am trying to clean up the buffet I have created down the front of me and the crackberry phone is still on. I can hear him, the nameless faceless man "Babe... babe... babey... you know I love you... babe... babe... answer me."

The phone went quiet for a few moments and I thought he had hung up and I hear again "Baaaaabbbbbeeeeeeyyyyyy!" loud and clear like its coming from the airport announcement speakers.

Eventually she retreived her phone, not one glance in my direction, nonplussed. I buried myself in my book and didn't even glance up when the newly arrived athlete decided to do olympic stretches at the table next to me. By that time I had pushed my Permanent Ignore button.

Most of the trip was uneventful. I had my aswers practiced and ready in my head
when going thru immigration on entering the U.S. at Detroit Metro. The waitress, oops I mean stewardess passing out the immigration forms made it very clear that if you made a mistake on your form you were NOT going to get a new one. The mistake I made was in the writing of my residence. I do not live in the U.S., and realized this slip up before landing. I physically live in Mexico more than in Belize right now, so I put a slash mark after U.S.A. and wrote Mexico, then realized that I don't have residency in Mexico, I am on a 6 month multiple entry visa, which I had to turn in at the airport since it was going to expire while I was gone. My real residency is Belize, so I put a slash mark after Mexico and wrote Belize.

Trouble brewing, and I felt it. No time to make up a story. The immigration lady officer wasn't too interested, glancing up and down at the salad bar buffet imprinted on my Frida dress. However, the customs agent was absurdely curious. A young guy, tall and probably in his late 20s or early 30s commented on the USA/Mexico/Belize residency and asked me the trick questions.
Customs Officer: "How long have you been out of the country?"
Me: long pause.."Its been 10 months since I left"
Customs Officer: "What were you doing while you were out of the country?"
Me: long pause... "Well, I'm a painter and a photographer."
Customs Officer: "So, what were you doing while you were out of the country?"
Me: "Painting pictures and taking photographs."
Customs Officer: "So did you just go down there and hook up with someone?"
(I am thinking... what does this have to do with smuggling flora and fauna?)
Me: "Well, my husband is Belizean, we have been married for 4 years, so I guess the answer is yes."
Customs Officer: (with a funny look on his face) You can pass...
Me: "Huh?" I am mentally preparing for the "Search"
Customs Officer: Its o.k. you can go
As I am walking away... I start to wonder... was he flirting with me? And I sigh, well that is just magical thinking. I decide that next time I am just going to tell them I am a missionary.

I wheel into the arrivals area and Supergirl is waiting for me with the big ole Lincoln at the curb, and the first words out of her mouth aren't "Hi Mom, nice to see you, been a long time, what presents did you bring for me?" But rather.....
Supergirl: That outfit is screaming "STRIPSEARCH" (as she looks up and down the salad buffet Frida dress)
Me: Must be the crotchless panties.
Supergirl: Gross
Me: You started it...

Beware of the Crying Muchacha

I have passed a milestone. This morning I successfully talked and cried my way out of a Mexican traffic ticket. Going the wrong direction on a one way street. I said these magic words -Lo siento, mea culpa, mea culpa. (I am sorry, my fault, my fault) accompanied by a bucket of tears and the bewildered Mexican police officer let me go with a warning.
Hmm... I will have to remember that, say you are sorry and cry...

A Trip to the Mexican Dentist

I was desperate. That is what it usually takes for me to submit myself to helplessness and drilling into my skull.

I found them on the internet and since my phone spanish isnt as good as my in person spanish, (because you cant see my hand gestures over the phone) I grabbed a cab and tried for a walk in. The receptionist put me out of my language misery when I said in Espanole, --Soy tengo dolor aqui - me have pain here - (pointing to my mouth), and answered me in English telling me that the dentist can see me in a few minutes.

She took me into a thoroughly modern and hygenic office with a TV mounted on the wall and the Dentist, speaking perfect English (although the word for ouch is the same in almost every language) took an X-ray and gave me an estimate and set up an appointment for the next day. I And (drumroll please) the cost of a root canal on a bicuspid, a stainless steel post driven into my skull to hold it in place, and a porcelain crown was 4,000 pesos, and at an exchange rate of 12.5 to the dollar it was $320 U.S. I have the temporary on right now and the permanent will be installed next week. The temporary looks so good that I am half tempted to not come back, but since I have paid in advance, I will. I promise.

Having the stainless steel peg put in was pretty intense, but I will just blame it on menopause. Two doctors did that part, and the other doctor was young and female and did a lot of cooing to soothe me as she held my head in a neck lock. (just kidding folks, she did the suctioning). My favorite part was when she said --Mrs. Lee Ann, I give you all of my kindness, it ok to cry you can cry it o.k. you cry now-- Awe shucks that was the nicest thing anyone had said to me all day, in fact all week. She then complimented me, and at this stage in the game, it sounded pretty good when she said -for a woman your age you have more teeth in your mouth than the average.-

Before I left, I asked the dentist if they ever did gold front teeth anymore, and he gave a deep sigh and said, -alas, no, gold is too expensive, and these days and no one likes to see shine in the front anymore.-

Spanish Vocabulary

I know that SHUT UP is not a Spanish phrase so I say it quietly in English out of the corner of my mouth at the Mexican woman next to me at the internet cafe who is talking VERY LOUDLY on her cell phone. So loud I can hardly think, and then I tear off a peice of paper, wad it up and stick it in my ear on that side to try and block the conversation from which I understand 1 in 8 words, the rest sound like SLDKFJD CKLSDLKS SKDKFEOWK mi amore.
We are the only two here, so I don´t understand why she chose to sit right next to me where there are a dozen other computers. Must like my perfume or maybe I´m a people magnet again.

I look over to the attendant to give him the "please shut her up" look with my eyes, but he is busy chatting in messenger and managing his music downloads.

The Spanish teacher says that I should say:
"Senora, silencio, por favor" which translates to "Mrs. Lady, quiet please." but that would lead to other Spanish words which would lead to me having to say "Sorry, no speaky Spanish," ...again.

I would so the shush! sound but it would be mistaken for the hiss sound and that can only mean trouble for me, so for today I am just balling up a peice of paper and shoving it in my ear on that side.

Swine Flu Update 2

I´m typing from a Spanish keyboard, so if it my typing looks funny to you, imagine how it looks to me. My fingers don´t know quite what to do.

It seems that the crisis here is nearly over. Any suspected cases in Chetumal were mild, the patients treated and sent home the same day. The schools are still closed but will reopen soon. I am still not putting my fingers in my mouth or nose or eyes, so I feel pretty safe. Bigness is practicing covering his mouth when he sneezes, however, once the crisis is over, I imagine he will go back to being a directional spray nozzle again.

They closed the Corozal Free Zone in Belize and are guarding it with BDF soldiers since they estimate that 4000 people work and shop there daily. There have beenno reported cases of the flu in Belize as of today. Doctors on both sides of the Mexico/Belize border are standing by to assist any suspected cases trying to cross the border.

Store clerks are still wearing the blue masks though, which I kinda like since I can´t really see them snarling at me when they wear them properly covering the nose and mouth. I can hear, however the growls and gnashing teeth.